I was this close to Shirley Bassey

Glastonbury weekend and I hate to say this but if you're going and you shelled out 10,000 quid so that Michael Eavis can bathe his ape man body in Royal Jelly - you're a fool, a sheep, a downright disgrace! I understand why a lot of people think it's a great weekend, but put simply they're deluded and they most probably listen to Keane.

Glastonbury has gone the way of so many good ideas - it's had huge corporate investment and re-branding and now is a cynical greed-fest, where huge amounts of energy are consumed and all it leads to is a lake of excrement and hundreds of tons of waste, so that some toss pot who works for the TSB can say 'Yeah it was banging. I was off me tits for most of it, but I remember I saw Shirley Bassey and Bjork doing a duet of 'Chitty chitty Bang Bang'. Question: when you say 'saw' were you near enough to throw something and risk hitting them, or were you half a mile away slumped against one of those huge sound towers squinting at a small screen?

I have never been attracted to festivals, possibly because of my fear of large groups of intoxicated monkeys. I did however play at Reading some 16 years ago. Ah there's my trumpet. Yep it's true - nothing to be proud of though, it was exciting for a while but flat lined as soon I walked out on stage and saw a sea of tired dirty faces waiting for something to happen. The more I looked out over the large flock the more my mind created to-do lists - I do recall wondering whether Dad had remembered to water the tomato plants. After playing I got drunk, sobered up and got the train home and checked on the tomatoes.

I found this interesting 'fact' which I think says a lot about the kind of fun to be had at these mega-festivals. When Incubus played they asked for two fully tuned air guitars, with new strings, which had to be signed by Jimmy Page. How crazyfun is that?! With bands like Incubus you're guaranteed a great time or nausea - wonder what Kaiser Chiefs will get up to!

Have fun in the mud.