Sleepless - 5

Extracts from The Diary of Dr X:

How long have I been awake? I don´t mean sleepless. This is no longer an experiment? It failed the moment I began it. I could never hope to prevent the aging of this body. Look at its slack skinned nakedness.

My mind is wondering more and more. I remember feelings now and they leave me again. When did I forget to feel? Middle age under anaesthesia? Out there, people have watched me from their rooms, their offices, and cafes. I have induced emotions in them? Did they feel? Surely that is enough? When did I feel?

Later--

“I won’t lie to you. My interest is far from scientific. Agreed I am a scientist, but assessment will only allow me to manipulate your numbers.”

´ I hear a lark somewhere`. I remember now. I can see your face so clearly. Drinking from a fountain, light playing through the water, your lips submerged, and eyes closed – you were as unaware as the pigeons that preened in the plaza. A stomach punch. A jolt and I looked away for an instant and found I had written the word ‘algorithm` on a napkin. I had to know you, to feel you: the warmth in your hands, armpits and thighs,. The arch of your back against my belly. The sensation of your throat in my hand as you came. You were complete and when I looked back, you were walking towards me, smiling at me.

You took an older man by surprise. A white blur as you came nearer to me and I had to reach for my glasses. I smelt you first. Morning milk, warm and sweet. A sweeter smile. I smiled back and you knew all there was to know about me in that moment and still you didn’t walk away. You should have. I won’t lie to you.

Later--

This sunrise. Is rebirth, is a beginning. Every day is a beginning. Trite, tired and trite. They would laugh at me. Biting cynics. Where is the truth amongst these numbers? I can’t fight them anymore. Every day I do battle, a lost warrior flailing amongst half baked notions that do little to ease the quality of lives. Where do you take the battle to? To the cursor, to the field, to the mountains or the sea? If I fight, do I lose from the start.

This sunrise is rebirth, an awakening.