Rain Man Wallace

I've got Aspergers or for those of you not in the know - Aspergers syndrome which is a milder variant of Autistic Disorder and comes under the category of Autistic Spectrum Disorder.

Yeah it's true. I went to Aspergers.com and read their information on the criteria for diagnosis. Seems I'm a high functioning ‘Ass Burger’, (that's an in-joke - only someone with Aspergers could get away with using that).

So how did I find out? Well it was Gary Numan the singer-songwriter who alerted me to my condition. Yeah I was reading Twazz magazine and there was an article about Gary. It seems poor old Gary has always had a problem talking to people and prefers his own company. He dropped this plank warping revelation:

'I did have friends but a lot of the time I liked to play by myself or read books'. Later in the interview he reveals: 'I find it hard to look into peoples faces - sometimes I just want to laugh at how funny they look'.

The poor man. Luckily diagnosis has helped Gary get back into the headlines and maybe shift a few more copies of his new album 'Buses'. Other celebs also finding themselves on the Autistic Spectrum include:

Geoff Capes - former World’s Strongest Man and whining bearded yokel: 'I always knew there was a reason why I just gave up in the latter part of my strongman career, it was the bloody autism sapping my strength.’

David Bellamy - crazy half man/half plant: 'I always knew there was something wrong with me as soon as I started laughing at Lenny Henry.'

Ainsley Harriott - TV chef and failed stand up comedian: 'I always knew there was something wrong with the amount of shop openings I attended. At first I thought it was just the money that made me do it. Now I see it's the autism. I'm obsessive!'

It's quite likely that you too are on the autistic spectrum. Current estimates suggest that almost two thirds of the white middle classes are doomed to leading perfectly normal and unsatisfying lives whilst self diagnosed with ASD.

I am currently looking at ways of exploiting my disorder. I've been working on straw counting and can count 8. I aim to break Geoff Capes’ record of 18 by March this year.