Dirty Insects

This morning I went out to bring the laundry in off the line before it got soaked in a sudden downpour. In my haste I ran into a spider web and inhaled whatever winged beastie had been caught in it. With the rain tipping down I didn't have time to hack the thing back up so tried to breathe 'around' it, whilst skipping over the nettles and briars reclaiming my already sodden underpants. On returning back, I achieved the near impossible and coughed the spidey prey back up. It's dried out now and I can confirm it to be winged and of the Beastie genus.

Where am I going with this...? Oh yeah last night I too was caught in a spider's web....nice link eh?! I went and saw Spiderman 3. Watching it was a bit like coughing up a fly that has sat on your lung. There's a dirty feeling. For a short time you shared something of yourself. You think about the shit and vomit that fly’s love so much and you feel dirty. I also felt dirty after Spidey 3. I felt dirty, used and effete - like the contents of Avi Arad's Y-fronts.

The film could have been great. Instead it took all the worse parts of 1 and 2 and exaggerated them. We see PP strutting down the street again to some good awful funk, but he's BAD this time round and likes to wag his 2 fingers suggestively. He plays Jazz piano, wears eyeliner and his hair strays over his eyes. They bring in Raimi’s mate Bruce Campbell (I'm a big fan) again and even he gets it wrong doing a bad John Cleese frenchman. They use 'That 70's twat' Topher Grace who is never dark enough to fill the boots of Venom and The Sandman gets watered down into a tearful muppet who just wants to be everyone’s mate. Stan Lee gets a line as well. Please stop giving Stan Lee cameos in Marvel films. It was a little bit amusing initially, but now I spend most of the time in these films waiting for the moustachioed old codger to appear and wreck the film for me.

I could be feeing dirty for a number of reasons: Maybe the studios got more of a hold on things. Maybe Raimi and co are so cosy with each other they listen to each other too much and ignore the fans and the comic books. Maybe the initial screenings were to a bunch of 14 year old girls into Pink and Green Day. Anyway it all adds up to a cinematic con and I feel dirty. I can’t believe I’m writing this, but do not go and see this film. Get a cheap Chinese Bit Torrent and save yourself the soap.