Adrian Chiles Part 2

It's a personal tragedy - the multi-million pound move of Chiles to ITV has bombed. 'Daybreak' the replacement show for GMTV otherwise known as 'Dawn of the Dead', is haemorrhaging viewers. Speculation is that this is primarily because Chiles isn't enough of a draw for the ladies, even though he's tried his best by being snapped in his bestest jeans on a big penilemobile, but it just hasn't worked and things are so bad that William Hill have offered odds of 4/1 that ITV will dispense with Chiles' services before Christmas. They're also offering 10/1 that Roland Rat takes over which just highlights the vacuum that is Chiles' sex appeal. For me this is a tragedy as I'd hoped to offload all my wretched self-loathing onto Chiles for a lot longer than this, but I can't kick a manchild when he's down.

Instead I will target his manchild wing man Michael McIntyre who is apparently about to release an autobiography entitled 'Life & Laughing: My Story', which I found out whilst gamely leafing through Mondays Sun. This article opens with the line 'MICHAEL McINTYRE is staring at a blank space.' How apt! Never have I witnessed comedy that so entirely inhabits the void, clearly this 'blank space' is where McIntyre's draws all his comedy from and it's a well that will never run dry, since the entire act is an illusion - there is no content just a sycophant moving around the stage really quickly, whilst cackling at a fly that appears to hover near to his mouth.


How has this man seduced an entire nation and when will see the return of real standups like Bobby Chariot?

Adrian Chiles - Part 1

For those of you who don't know Adrian Chiles - he's the man who has carved a BBC career out of being the chubby Brummie next door. A man so devoid of charisma that he made Gareth Southgate look edgy during the 2010 ITV World Cup coverage.

Chiles is soon to be the face of GMTV having made a multi-million pound move to ITV so that he can ingratiate himself amongst an even larger section of the brain dead British pubic who frankly deserve him.

I had a dream last night that he teamed up with my new hate list contender James Corden to work on a charitay cover of Olivia Newton John's 'Lets Get Physical'. During the video shoot a prop mishap ends Chiles' career as he is accidentally crushed under Corden's gigantic smugnity. It could be that this dream carries with it a scary glimpse into the future of British TV, but who knows and quite frankly who gives a crap? Me! I do.

I know I'm bitter about something that sounds incredibly trivial - 'Hey Chilesy is all right, he's a refreshing change with his brummie accent and everyman footy talk' - well f**k that shit. Chiles is not an everyman he's a cynical calculating leech on the numb backside of the glorious British public, who uses his crushed Cabbage Patch Kid face to dupe us into lending him gardening tools and DIY manuals, only to see them on Ebay a week later.

I'm not alone... There are others who think the same as me...resist, fight, don't let him alone with your family.